Guide to New Zealand Male Species (aka: Kiwi Blokes), Part Two

Kiwi Sweets

As promised, here is the rest of the ‘Guide’:

Part One, Continues: 

2. Farmer’s sons, (grandsons, great-grandsons …)

Big strong blokes. Staunch. Healthy to boot. Raised on plenty of wholesome farm food; whole milk, cream, better lamb. Courteous; taught by mums and boarding schools importance of ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, as well as honesty, hard work and modesty; ‘never draw attention to yourself – women talk, man do.’

Left farm to learn useful, practical profession; veterinary, farm management, engineering, and such. But still hard pushed to complete a 21-word sentence in under two minutes, and even that only if the sentence does not include such words as; emotions. In case it does; there is no telling how long it might take, nor whether anything but mumbling, stumbling, yammering, stammering, muttering, may be heard.

New Zealanders
Credit: Google

Wears (when working in the city/town): Compulsory black/dark business suit, white or striped business shirt, boring tie, and shapeless black shoes known as ‘work shoes.’ Tribal armband tattoo included. Walking down the main street of all four city’s CBD’s during the lunch hour is like being at the Greek (or Croatian for that matter) funeral. Grimed faced men walking around in black suits!

Wears (outside business hours and at every other opportunity): Same as his dad, (see previous post), but he has added few modern fashion items; jandals (flip-flops), t-shirts and cut-off jeans.

Drives: four wheeler of some sort (aka: ‘urban assault vehicle’), or a mini-van.

Drinks: flat-whites (seeing he is among townies now), wine (when out with a Missus or as a ‘leg opener’ – see ‘vocabulary’ from the previous post) and beer (always).

Kiwi Pub
Credit: Google

Eats: same as his dad (see previous post), plus some fancy, green staff his Missus makes and reckons is good for him.

Plays: Rugby, and sometimes; golf, back-yard/beach cricket, squash.

Watches:  All Blacks, Tall Blacks, Black Caps, America’s Cup, and (occasionally) travel shows and documentaries. Sometimes he takes his Missus to the movies.

America's Cup
Credit: Wikipedia

Talks (mumbles) about: His OE in Europe (even if it happened over 20 years ago; he is still traumatised by the sheer number of people walking down the streets), sport(s), sporting celebrities, mortgage rates, politicians, music (occasionally), New Zealand achievements.

Owns: pliers, jumper-leads, power tools, play-stations, computers, stereos, golf gear, cars, bikes, cue sticks.

Favourite past-time:  drinking with his mates in pubs with snooker tables and large TV screens, playing sports with his mates, outdoor pursuits of all kinds (with his mates of course), doing DYI (he can still use his hands despite the desk job), car/bike racing.

Kiwis
Credit: Google

Hangs out with: His mates at pubs, bars, stadiums, fishing trips, (aka: back to back booze trips), his dad farm (‘you can’t beat that view’).

Dislikes: talking in general but especially about himself, going to the doctor, display of emotions, outspoken women, actually any kind of a competent, educated, tall, eloquent woman (just think Helen Clark), umbrellas (they are for pansies), intellectuals.

Most used expressions: Sweet as’, ‘Ey Bro’, ‘WTF.’

Makes him home-sick wherever in the world he is: Pineapple Lumps.

Kiwi Sweets
Pineapple Lumps, Credit: Wikipedia

Part Two: How to get to know them?

Seriously? After all you have read? Why on Earth would you want to do that? Oh, I see; because there are no other men around and there is a vast ocean between you and any kind of terra firma. Well, fair point. So, if you must, here it goes:

  1. Do you have any idea what ‘the ruck’, ‘the maul’, ‘the mark’, ‘the scrum’ mean? No? Not a clue? BIG mistake! So first and foremost go and find out! You are going nowhere without at least some knowledge of it!
  2. Do you know who split the atom? Conquered Mt. Everest for the first time? Won the rugby world cup? Said ‘NO’ to nuclear power? Gave women vote for the first time? No? Not sure? Another BIG mistake! Back to the drawing board and find out as much you can about it all. Being a ‘single foreign female’ and NOT showing required level of admiration for EACH and EVERY one of those magnificent achievements on EACH and EVERY occasion you encounter a Kiwi Bloke shrinks your already slim chances to skeletal! The same goes for the question; ‘Don’t you think New Zealand is the most beautiful country in the world?’ (The CORRECT answer is: ‘YES’ – EVERY TIME).

Now that we have basics right, make sure to:

Carefully observe desired Kiwi Bloke’s surrounding before to approach or attempt to draw any kind of attention to yourself;

  1. If he is in a pub/bar with his mates elbows on the table staring down the pint – do not bother. He is not likely to notice you. Flicking eye lashes in his direction does not work. He grew up among women who DO NOT use such feebly female tactics. They never needed them since they always stood next to their blokes wearing identical rugby jersey and staring down the identical pints. They continue to do so. (Note: In New Zealand feminism means; drinking/partying/being sick outside the pub as hard and as often as any bloke).

Pub

  1. If bar/pub’s giant TV screen is showing rugby game of any kind – not even gasping for your last breath on the floor while convulsing violently will NOT make him notice you!

Further:

  1. If you are: tall, (anything above 5ft, 5in), not blond, do not sport formidable bosom, university educated and not afraid to speak your own mind … well I am very, very sorry for you. Enough said.
  2. If you think of your foreign accent as ‘charming’ and possibly helpful in attracting a Kiwi Bloke … think again! They will correct every word you say and try to make you repeat it until you are able to ‘say it properly’! It amuses them.
  3. If your car has stopped in the middle of nowhere and you need help; standing at the side of the road in your sexiest outfit looking helpless will do ABSOLUTLY nothing for you. They gave women voting rights back in 1893 and they expected them to us it; we are equal now so fix your own f… car woman!
  4. In an unlikely event you do score some kind of a date with a Kiwi Bloke – make sure you do carry your purse with you as you are expected to pay for your own drinks/meals, EVEN IF they invited YOU! Yep, the same logic as for car fixing applies; we gave you f … voting rights back in 19th century – get a job – pay your own bills! And while on the topic – the same goes for such girly extravagances as flowers, perfumes, chocolates and alike! Romance? What romance? Their old man never did any such nonsense and thought them right; you can’t go on spoiling sheilas and if you do buy her a drink – make sure you got your money’s worth!
  5. One last word of caution; whatever you do – don’t OVER-DRESS. Anything even faintly resembling fashionable clothing, make-up, jewellery, shoes, hair-dues, accessories … WILL be interpreted in a ONE way ONLY; bloody high maintenance, and expensive!
Fashion
Credit: Google

 That my dear is all!

Happy dating in New Zealand -:)!

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Author: Daniela

Reader, Writer, Mother, Freethinker, Habitual Day Dreamer, Blogger - Sharing Ideas, Poetry, Prose, and Conversations on the Lantern Post!

55 thoughts on “Guide to New Zealand Male Species (aka: Kiwi Blokes), Part Two”

  1. Daniela, this is a very awesome guide to Kiwi men… though I doubt I’ll need to use this as you intend, I’m sure some tourist women will thank you for this with their very lives once they’re in NZ. Thanks for putting me wise to these posts. This is funny material – you have a very even, sarcastic and wickedly-dry sense of humor that really works here. After all this reading, I think I’d rather visit Croatia, should I want a good vacation. If I want to drink a lot of beer, well, I’ll be in N.Z.

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    1. Thank you so much -:)! It means A LOT to me what you said, especially about sense of humor as I shy away from writing humor in English due to being not a native speaker. But your words are encouraging -:)!

      Croatia is beautiful in a special kind of way … but if you ever venture in NZ, I would be glad to help you find the best beer -:)!

      Many thanks,
      Daniela

      Like

      1. Kosovo … you must have seen some terrible things then. No it is not similar; Croatia is Central Europe/Mediterranean country (think Austria/Hungary/Italy/Greece). Historically parts of Croatia were ruled by Austro-Hungarian empire and Venice when it was all powerful. Croatia is well-developed and now part of EU. Coast (think Dubrovnik) is absolutely magic!

        Kosovo is predominately populated by Albanians. Under Tito (in ex-Yugoslavia) they had autonomy … much to Serbian chagrin as you probably know … all very messy and very sad!

        Thank you,
        Daniela

        Like

  2. Again, Daniela, why are you still there???????? I guess if you are not concerned with dating and men, then it’s a great place to be. But a young woman…. hmmm The line is drawn between Kiwi Blokes and Cowboys in this article. A woman can expect that a cowboy will help her with a flat tire. I don’t think you have to dress sexily to get help, but it probably doesn’t hurt. I have insurance that I can call, so that isn’t a problem, but if it were, I think someone would come along to help. But then I’m blond! 🙂 Enough said! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I so love your comments -:)!

      I am no longer young (just turned 48) … so here goes that! Why am I still here … my only child was born here, (she is now first year at University), my work is here, and I have some lovely friends here! Besides … there is nowhere else for me to go -:)! My dreams are simple; to see my daughter through her education and as a happy young woman, to travel a bit while I still can, to write (always), and maybe, just maybe to love again … if I am very lucky -:)!

      Thank you very much for visiting the Lantern and for all your support!

      Daniela

      Like

      1. Lovely Daniela, you are young. I was married the second time when my fiance turned 48. I was 43. We were young. I am 61, and I still feel young! Maybe when I’m 85 I’ll feel old. I hope not. 🙂 I hope you don’t either, and I hope you love again! 🙂 You have such a romantic personality. You deserve a man to match! 🙂

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      2. Yep, it is the first … speechless! You have wicked sense of humor! Sheep on the hills … now do not tell me – there will be cows in the paddock next! I have too much of pastoral scenery already! Try some nice Spanish restaurants, secluded cafes, cobbled streets, dimmed lights … -:)!

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      3. Okay. Okay !! I get the drift of where this is going. I’ll meet you at 8pm at Benalmadena Puerto on the harbour side next to the Aquarium. Don’t be late !!!😉

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      4. I fell in the water as you walked by. It was only a little nudge you gave me. I don’t think you realised that you did it. I’ll wear a wetsuit next time we almost meet😉

        Like

    1. I am glad to hear that; there are so many decent farmers’ sons and grandsons with a sense of humor to -:)!

      Thank you very much for reading and commenting,

      Daniela

      Like

  3. Yes like men in many countries, they (we) have been misled, poorly educated and come from the British tradition of conquest at any price and not taught anything about relationships.
    Of course you could write about the kiwi woman and the games they play which reinforces the blokish behaviour which includes emotional bullying as they often believe they are more superior to men.
    But at the end of the day we do have a sense of humour and that stereotype is waning. Best wishes..

    Like

    1. Hi,

      I am glad you saw a funny side to it all -:)! After all it was means as a light entertainment. And of course they are decent and not so decent men in every country! For what is worth, I am aware of some less than desirable attributes of some kiwi women.

      Stereotypes are indeed waning, and that can be a good thing only!

      All the best,
      Daniela

      Like

  4. Yeah, as a kiwi bloke, you are pretty much right. They are all our selling points.
    What the hell is this wussy icon that WordPress has given me?!?!

    Like

    1. I am truly honored to have a true Kiwi Bloke not only reading but agreeing with the post -:)! Thank you very much!

      And I do indeed apologize for the ‘wussy icon’ … WP is clearly not in the know -:)!

      Cheers!
      Daniela

      Like

  5. I am addicted to the new Americas Cup series but now realise that about the only thing I have heard any of the blokes say is ‘meat and potatoes’ which is some sort of code they use on board. That is so Kiwi!

    Like

  6. Wow! Very entertaining, informative, funny and well written guide. Your story telling is only exceeded by your writing ability. Have a very good day.

    Like

    1. Hi Bruce,

      Well thank you for reading the Lantern and for your comment -:)! As you may have noticed this is ‘tongue-in-cheek’ post, so agreements are not necessary as laughs are sufficient!

      All the Best,
      Daniela

      Like

    1. So glad to hear it made you laugh! That was the idea!
      Well if it applies to New Zealand women too at least they are consistent!

      Many thanks for reading and commenting my friend!
      Daniela

      Like

  7. Daniela, a masterpiece of laughs and as you know, laughter is the best medicine! In a perfect world, we would all have a daily read of Lantern! No doubt it would be more effective at keeping the doctor away that any apple.

    As for the men, the ones here suit me just fine. Of course along the Mediterranean we have it all. There are the cafés, the cobblestone streets, Spain is but an hour from me… Perhaps when your daughter finishes school… 😉

    At 48 you are barely legal so come where you can be appreciated! No doubt you will have to beat them off with a stick!

    Bisous et calins!

    Like

    1. My dear Lea, your comment made laugh out loud especially at ‘barely legal’ bit! I wish -:)! I am so glad the post made you laugh! You know I can still remember those glorious cafes and cobblestone street of Mediterranean landscapes … not to mention fine men who not only know who to flirt and flatter with style but also enjoy it! I do envy you indeed -:)! My daughter is still a bit too young, but you are reading my mind regarding the time when she finishes her studies!

      Keep Well!
      Daniela

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Daniela mon amie, you are a treat! Do yourselves both a favour and keep thinking Mediterranean. The men are the best I’ve met in my travels and I have no doubt you would both be happier.🙂
        Has your daughter been here? If not, perhaps a semester abroad? Yes, I am being an instigator… 😉
        Bisous et calins,
        Léa

        Like

      2. You are simply lovely my der Lea!

        Yes, I have taken my girl back to my country and it was a treat for us both … but like all kids both to migrant parents in different lands, she calls NZ home! I however do plan to return to the loveliest coasts of all – that of Adriatic Sea!

        Many thanks,
        Daniela

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I haven’t seen the Adriatic Sea but I have no doubt it is lovely. I have swum in both sides of both the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, Gulf of Thailand, The North Sea and of course the Mediterranean and I’ve never been in one I didn’t love. Perhaps that is the ‘Selkie’ in me. If you don’t know a selkie, you do now!😉 Google the word and enjoy! Merci beaucoup! Léa

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Omg this was so good! Where are you from Daniela?
    I couldn’t stop laughing cause I was thinking that the problem was me but no or maybe yes, but it’s because I never thought that they could be so basics, I love them anyways and I’m too far away from my country so… I better learn to deal with them and to understand rugby!

    Like

    1. Hi Catalina,

      Thank you so much for your lovely comment! I am so glad posts made you laugh – this was exactly their purpose! Of course it is all little bit of tongue-in-cheek good natured humour! Kiwi blokes are for most past decent blokes and I love them too. Like you -long way from home so have made one here for many years now. I am originally from Croatia!

      All the Best,
      Daniela

      Like

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