As promised, here is the rest of the ‘Guide’:
Part One, Continues:
2. Farmer’s sons, (grandsons, great-grandsons …)
Big strong blokes. Staunch. Healthy to boot. Raised on plenty of wholesome farm food; whole milk, cream, better lamb. Courteous; taught by mums and boarding schools importance of ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, as well as honesty, hard work and modesty; ‘never draw attention to yourself – women talk, man do.’
Left farm to learn useful, practical profession; veterinary, farm management, engineering, and such. But still hard pushed to complete a 21-word sentence in under two minutes, and even that only if the sentence does not include such words as; emotions. In case it does; there is no telling how long it might take, nor whether anything but mumbling, stumbling, yammering, stammering, muttering, may be heard.
Wears (when working in the city/town): Compulsory black/dark business suit, white or striped business shirt, boring tie, and shapeless black shoes known as ‘work shoes.’ Tribal armband tattoo included. Walking down the main street of all four city’s CBD’s during the lunch hour is like being at the Greek (or Croatian for that matter) funeral. Grimed faced men walking around in black suits!
Wears (outside business hours and at every other opportunity): Same as his dad, (see previous post), but he has added few modern fashion items; jandals (flip-flops), t-shirts and cut-off jeans.
Drives: four wheeler of some sort (aka: ‘urban assault vehicle’), or a mini-van.
Drinks: flat-whites (seeing he is among townies now), wine (when out with a Missus or as a ‘leg opener’ – see ‘vocabulary’ from the previous post) and beer (always).
Eats: same as his dad (see previous post), plus some fancy, green staff his Missus makes and reckons is good for him.
Plays: Rugby, and sometimes; golf, back-yard/beach cricket, squash.
Talks (mumbles) about: His OE in Europe (even if it happened over 20 years ago; he is still traumatised by the sheer number of people walking down the streets), sport(s), sporting celebrities, mortgage rates, politicians, music (occasionally), New Zealand achievements.
Owns: pliers, jumper-leads, power tools, play-stations, computers, stereos, golf gear, cars, bikes, cue sticks.
Favourite past-time: drinking with his mates in pubs with snooker tables and large TV screens, playing sports with his mates, outdoor pursuits of all kinds (with his mates of course), doing DYI (he can still use his hands despite the desk job), car/bike racing.
Hangs out with: His mates at pubs, bars, stadiums, fishing trips, (aka: back to back booze trips), his dad farm (‘you can’t beat that view’).
Dislikes: talking in general but especially about himself, going to the doctor, display of emotions, outspoken women, actually any kind of a competent, educated, tall, eloquent woman (just think Helen Clark), umbrellas (they are for pansies), intellectuals.
Most used expressions: ‘Sweet as’, ‘Ey Bro’, ‘WTF.’
Makes him home-sick wherever in the world he is: Pineapple Lumps.
Part Two: How to get to know them?
Seriously? After all you have read? Why on Earth would you want to do that? Oh, I see; because there are no other men around and there is a vast ocean between you and any kind of terra firma. Well, fair point. So, if you must, here it goes:
- Do you have any idea what ‘the ruck’, ‘the maul’, ‘the mark’, ‘the scrum’ mean? No? Not a clue? BIG mistake! So first and foremost go and find out! You are going nowhere without at least some knowledge of it!
- Do you know who split the atom? Conquered Mt. Everest for the first time? Won the rugby world cup? Said ‘NO’ to nuclear power? Gave women vote for the first time? No? Not sure? Another BIG mistake! Back to the drawing board and find out as much you can about it all. Being a ‘single foreign female’ and NOT showing required level of admiration for EACH and EVERY one of those magnificent achievements on EACH and EVERY occasion you encounter a Kiwi Bloke shrinks your already slim chances to skeletal! The same goes for the question; ‘Don’t you think New Zealand is the most beautiful country in the world?’ (The CORRECT answer is: ‘YES’ – EVERY TIME).
Now that we have basics right, make sure to:
Carefully observe desired Kiwi Bloke’s surrounding before to approach or attempt to draw any kind of attention to yourself;
- If he is in a pub/bar with his mates elbows on the table staring down the pint – do not bother. He is not likely to notice you. Flicking eye lashes in his direction does not work. He grew up among women who DO NOT use such feebly female tactics. They never needed them since they always stood next to their blokes wearing identical rugby jersey and staring down the identical pints. They continue to do so. (Note: In New Zealand feminism means; drinking/partying/being sick outside the pub as hard and as often as any bloke).
- If bar/pub’s giant TV screen is showing rugby game of any kind – not even gasping for your last breath on the floor while convulsing violently will NOT make him notice you!
- If you are: tall, (anything above 5ft, 5in), not blond, do not sport formidable bosom, university educated and not afraid to speak your own mind … well I am very, very sorry for you. Enough said.
- If you think of your foreign accent as ‘charming’ and possibly helpful in attracting a Kiwi Bloke … think again! They will correct every word you say and try to make you repeat it until you are able to ‘say it properly’! It amuses them.
- If your car has stopped in the middle of nowhere and you need help; standing at the side of the road in your sexiest outfit looking helpless will do ABSOLUTLY nothing for you. They gave women voting rights back in 1893 and they expected them to us it; we are equal now so fix your own f… car woman!
- In an unlikely event you do score some kind of a date with a Kiwi Bloke – make sure you do carry your purse with you as you are expected to pay for your own drinks/meals, EVEN IF they invited YOU! Yep, the same logic as for car fixing applies; we gave you f … voting rights back in 19th century – get a job – pay your own bills! And while on the topic – the same goes for such girly extravagances as flowers, perfumes, chocolates and alike! Romance? What romance? Their old man never did any such nonsense and thought them right; you can’t go on spoiling sheilas and if you do buy her a drink – make sure you got your money’s worth!
- One last word of caution; whatever you do – don’t OVER-DRESS. Anything even faintly resembling fashionable clothing, make-up, jewellery, shoes, hair-dues, accessories … WILL be interpreted in a ONE way ONLY; bloody high maintenance, and expensive!
That my dear is all!
Happy dating in New Zealand -:)!
- Guide to New Zealand Male Species (aka: Kiwi Blokes) (lanternpost2012.wordpress.com)