If, by chance of choice, winds have blown you to the rugged coastline of New Zealand and you landed as a ‘single foreign female’ whose interests include meeting representatives of the picturesque islands male species … you may like to read on -:)!
If this sounds like a warning; this is because it is! Frankly my dear; you can do with a Guide. Why do I say that? Because being a ‘single foreign female’ myself and having had the good
miss-fortune of living within the close proximity to the said species for many years, I have learned a thing or two! Not to mention listening stories of other equally miss-fortunate ‘single foreign females’ of various ages and abilities!
In the end we all agreed that some sort of a Guide would have been very useful. But as we could not find any such material, we set out to write one ourselves, as you do! Our combined experience may come to good use after all -:)!
So let us crack on -:)!
Single Foreign Female Guide to New Zealand Male Species (aka: Kiwi Blokes)
- The Guide is democratic in nature. It applies equally to all men born and raised in New Zealand irrespective of their heritage.
- The Guide is intended for the use of the individual single females who were not born, and/or raised in New Zealand and who have either arrived to New Zealand single, or have become single during their stay.
- The Guide may contain information that is unsuitable for overly sensitive persons, or those with low self-esteem, no sense of humour and/or irrational beliefs.
- If you are not the intended recipient, any grievances you may voice will be disregarded. Furthermore any dissemination, distribution or copying of the Guide, or any part thereof, is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social blunder.
- No animals (human or otherwise) were harmed during the gathering of evidence, or any other part of the processes undertaken for the compilation of the Guide. All observations, experiments, testings’ and alike were carried with the utmost care and respect for all involved. Qualitative methods were preferred to quantitative.
- Neither the author(s) nor the any of the contributors, guarantee the outcome, and/or accepts any liability whatsoever arising from or connected to; the accuracy, reliability, up- to- datedness, or completeness of any material, ideas, suggestions or otherwise contained in the Guide.
- Individual results may vary!
Part One – Who they are:
What types of men are we likely to find in New Zealand?
While in the rest of world you may get slightly dizzy from the variety of types on offer, such as; romantic, pragmatic, intellectual, new-age, sensitive, fashion-conscious, conservative, liberal, art-lover, socialist, etc. etc. – you will not suffer under any such myriad of choices in good-old New Zealand. Not even the smidgen of it -:)!
Take a deep breath … ready? OK, there are two (2) types of men in New Zealand! Yes, you heard that right; two and what’s more both types prefer and strive to be known as; Kiwi Bloke. So, the two types of Kiwi Blokes are:
- Farmers and
- Farmers’ sons (grandsons, great-grandsons …),
That is IT!
Pioneers were farmers, and so they farmed and farmed … then they built towns and called four of them cities. Their sons went to those towns/cities to learn some useful trades, some went to newly-built universities, and some even stayed on and become dreaded city dwellers (townies).
If they stayed in the biggest city – Auckland, they become known as ‘Jafas’, presumably meaning soft centred just like a sweet bearing the same name … although some people tell me it stands for; ‘just another f… (could be friendly too, you know) Aucklander’ In any case I am also told that South Islander’s think of North Island as Auckland. And they think of Auckland as the place where they strip a good Kiwi Bloke out of his trusted shorts, gumboots and bush-shirt and force him into suit trousers, dress socks, polished shoes and collar shirt before they let him loose down Queen Street … as you can see sheer hell!
So are there any differences between those two types then?
Hardly … but let us examine both types:
Sturdy blokes. Silent. Practical. There is virtually nothing that cannot be fixed with no. 8 gauge fencing wire and four-by-two length of timber, (this is the stuff of legends passed on from one generation to another).
Wears, (exclusively): black singlets, gumboots (‘Red-Bend’ preferably), swandri (see vocabulary), grey woollen bushmen socks, home-knitted (preferably by mum) jerseys, overalls, and well-weathered hat.
Wears, but only on very special occasions such as funerals, weddings, or if (God forbid) All Blacks lose: black tie, white shirt with collar, suit (most likely handed down from a father or other male relative including grandfather), dress socks.
Drives: Ute with a working farm dog on the back.
Drinks: Beer and bush tea that makes a teaspoon stand still.
Eats: Red meet preferably incinerated on the Barbie (see vocabulary). Meat pies (preferably bought at the local petrol station). Anything on the spit.
Plays: Rugby, (outdoor and in all weather conditions).
Watches: All Blacks, (playing rugby).
Talks about: All Blacks, weather, prices of milk, prices of meat, hunting, fishing, and (only occasionally) sheilas (see vocabulary).
Owns: Gadgets. ALL kind of gadgets; hunting rifles, lawnmowers (all types invented and working on new versions), any tool ever invented, at least box of screwdrivers, ute, car, (V-Something), Massey Fergusson, socket sets, a Stanley knife, a tow-rope, hammers, (at least sledgehammer and claw hammer), axes, chainsaw, weed-sprayers, variety of unidentifiable gadgets that make strange noises.
Favourite past-time: Drinking, (by far the most popular; the popular beer advertising slogan: ‘Knowing what matters since 1876’), watching rugby on TV, fixing machinery, fencing, hunting, (skinning and tanning included), home DYI.
Hangs out with: His mates in a man-caves, aka: sheds (see vocabulary), pubs, fishing/hunting/hiking/tramping/mustering expeditions, live rugby games.
Admires: Sir Edmund Hilary and All Blacks.
Dislikes: Intellectuals (anyone who can’t change car tyre, and/or is not DYI wiz; well-known DYI store chain runs TV commercial where the guy who has to ‘pay somebody else to do it’ stands sheepishly next to the bloke who is ‘doing it himself mate‘, while the narrator tells us: ‘you do not want to be this type’! High-maintenance sheilas (more on that later). Personal questions.
Most used expressions: ‘She’ll be right mate!’ (Whatever is wrong will become right, all by itself, with time. No need to do anything). ‘Yeah Nah’. (often used in the same time, as ‘I agree with you, that this is not …’ i.e. ‘Australian’s can’t play rugby aye?’ ‘Yeah nah, they are f… useless’).
Makes him home-sick wherever in the world he is: Smell of soggy wool.
Barbie; barbecue, an event where huge amount of red meat, sausages, bread and booze is brought while blokes standing around the smoking device with beer bottles in their hands, listening to long pauses between such conversations openers as: ‘I see John got himself a new ute.’
Big Girls Blouse; a useless non-bloke,
Crate; a dozen bottles of beer.
Get Hard, (no it is not what you think -:); getting drunk into numbness.
Grogan; shit as in; ‘Off to the bog to drop a grogan.’
Joker; A bloke,
Keg; 50 litres of beer,
Leg-Opener; buying a drink to a female, (self-explanatory reason for such an extravagance),
Mate; another bloke,
Reckon; believe as in ‘I believe that too.’
Shed; also known as a ‘mane-cave’ can only be described as ‘Kiwi Blokes Heaven on Earth’. In 1996 Jim Hopkins’ book ‘Blokes and Sheds’ sold 60,000 copies. Only Berry Crump’s novels sold more copies and they were all about a rugged Kiwi male and his outdoor adventures!
Sheila: a female (in some parts also known as a ‘handbrake’)
Swandri; a bush shirt worn until disintegrates. Then replaced with a new identical one.
Wuss; Weakling (see; Big Girls Blouse above).
To be continued … (Contributions Welcome)!