Guide to New Zealand Male Species (aka: Kiwi Blokes)

Kiwi

If, by chance of choice, winds have blown you to the rugged coastline of New Zealand and you landed as a ‘single foreign female’ whose interests include meeting representatives of the picturesque islands male species … you may like to read on -:)!

Kiwi
Credit: Google

If this sounds like a warning; this is because it is! Frankly my dear; you can do with a Guide. Why do I say that? Because being a ‘single foreign female’ myself and having had the good miss-fortune  of living within the close proximity to the said species for many years, I have learned a thing or two! Not to mention listening stories of other equally miss-fortunate ‘single foreign females’ of various ages and abilities!

In the end we all agreed that some sort of a Guide would have been very useful. But as we could not find any such material, we set out to write one ourselves, as you do!  Our combined experience may come to good use after all -:)!

So let us crack on -:)!

Single Foreign Female Guide to New Zealand Male Species (aka: Kiwi Blokes)

Disclaimer:

  1. The Guide is democratic in nature. It applies equally to all men born and raised in New Zealand irrespective of their heritage.
  2. The Guide is intended for the use of the individual single females who were not born, and/or raised in New Zealand and who have either arrived to New Zealand single, or have become single during their stay.
  3. The Guide may contain information that is unsuitable for overly sensitive persons, or those with low self-esteem, no sense of humour and/or irrational beliefs.
  4. If you are not the intended recipient, any grievances you may voice will be disregarded. Furthermore any dissemination, distribution or copying of the Guide, or any part thereof, is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social blunder.
  5. No animals (human or otherwise) were harmed during the gathering of evidence, or any other part of the processes undertaken for the compilation of the Guide. All observations, experiments, testings’ and alike were carried with the utmost care and respect for all involved. Qualitative methods were preferred to quantitative.
  6. Neither the author(s) nor the any of the contributors, guarantee the outcome, and/or accepts any liability whatsoever arising from or connected to; the accuracy, reliability, up- to- datedness, or completeness of any material, ideas, suggestions or otherwise contained in the Guide.
  7. Individual results may vary!

Part One – Who they are:

What types of men are we likely to find in New Zealand?

While in the rest of world you may get slightly dizzy from the variety of types on offer, such as; romantic, pragmatic, intellectual, new-age, sensitive, fashion-conscious, conservative, liberal, art-lover, socialist, etc. etc. – you will not suffer under any such myriad of choices in good-old New Zealand. Not even the smidgen of it -:)!

Take a deep breath … ready? OK, there are two (2) types of men in New Zealand! Yes, you heard that right; two and what’s more both types prefer and strive to be known as; Kiwi Bloke. So, the two types of Kiwi Blokes are:

  1. Farmers and
  2. Farmers’ sons (grandsons, great-grandsons …), 

That is IT!

Pioneers were farmers, and so they farmed and farmed … then they built towns and called four of them cities. Their sons went to those towns/cities to learn some useful trades, some went to newly-built universities, and some even stayed on and become dreaded city dwellers (townies).

If they stayed in the biggest city – Auckland, they become known as ‘Jafas’, presumably meaning soft centred just like a sweet bearing the same name … although some people tell me it stands for; ‘just another f… (could be friendly too, you know) Aucklander’ In any case I am also told that South Islander’s think of North Island as Auckland. And they think of Auckland as the place where they strip a good Kiwi Bloke out of his trusted shorts, gumboots and bush-shirt and force him into suit trousers, dress socks, polished shoes and collar shirt before they let him loose down Queen Street … as you can see sheer hell!

So are there any differences between those two types then?

Hardly … but let us examine both types:

  1. Farmers:

Sturdy blokes. Silent. Practical. There is virtually nothing that cannot be fixed with no. 8 gauge fencing wire and four-by-two length of timber, (this is the stuff of legends passed on from one generation to another).

Wears, (exclusively): black singlets, gumboots (‘Red-Bend’ preferably), swandri (see vocabulary), grey woollen bushmen socks, home-knitted (preferably by mum) jerseys, overalls, and well-weathered hat.

Swanndri
Kiwi Blokes wearing their customary fashion, Credit: Google

Wears, but only on very special occasions such as funerals, weddings, or if (God forbid) All Blacks lose: black tie, white shirt with collar, suit (most likely handed down from a father or other male relative including grandfather), dress socks.

Drives: Ute with a working farm dog on the back.

Drinks: Beer and bush tea that makes a teaspoon stand still.

Eats: Red meet preferably incinerated on the Barbie (see vocabulary). Meat pies (preferably bought at the local petrol station). Anything on the spit.

Plays: Rugby, (outdoor and in all weather conditions).

Watches: All Blacks, (playing rugby).

Talks about: All Blacks, weather, prices of milk, prices of meat, hunting, fishing, and (only occasionally) sheilas (see vocabulary).

Owns: Gadgets. ALL kind of gadgets; hunting rifles, lawnmowers (all types invented and working on new versions), any tool ever invented, at least box of screwdrivers, ute, car, (V-Something), Massey Fergusson, socket sets, a Stanley knife, a tow-rope, hammers, (at least sledgehammer and claw hammer), axes, chainsaw, weed-sprayers, variety of unidentifiable gadgets that make strange noises.

Favourite past-time: Drinking, (by far the most popular; the popular beer advertising slogan: ‘Knowing what matters since 1876’), watching rugby on TV, fixing machinery, fencing, hunting, (skinning and tanning included), home DYI.

Hangs out with: His mates in a man-caves, aka: sheds (see vocabulary), pubs, fishing/hunting/hiking/tramping/mustering expeditions, live rugby games.

Admires: Sir Edmund Hilary and All Blacks.

All Blacks, Credit: Graeme Tippet

Dislikes: Intellectuals (anyone who can’t change car tyre, and/or is not DYI wiz; well-known DYI store chain runs TV commercial where the guy who has to ‘pay somebody else to do it’ stands sheepishly next to the bloke who is ‘doing it himself mate‘, while the narrator tells us: ‘you do not want to be this type’! High-maintenance sheilas (more on that later). Personal questions.

Most used expressions: ‘She’ll be right mate!’ (Whatever is wrong will become right, all by itself, with time. No need to do anything). ‘Yeah Nah’. (often used in the same time, as ‘I agree with you, that this is not …’ i.e. ‘Australian’s can’t play rugby aye?’ ‘Yeah nah, they are f… useless’).

Makes him home-sick wherever in the world he is: Smell of soggy wool. 

Vocabulary:

Barbie; barbecue, an event where huge amount of red meat, sausages, bread and booze is brought while blokes standing around the smoking device with beer bottles in their hands, listening to long pauses between such conversations openers as: ‘I see John got himself a new ute.’

Bog; toilet.

Big Girls Blouse; a useless non-bloke,

Crate; a dozen bottles of beer.

Get Hard, (no it is not what you think -:); getting drunk into numbness.

Grogan; shit as in; ‘Off to the bog to drop a grogan.

Joker; A bloke,

Keg; 50 litres of beer,

Leg-Opener; buying a drink to a female, (self-explanatory reason for such an extravagance),

Mate; another bloke,

Reckon; believe as in ‘I believe that too.’

Shed; also known as a ‘mane-cave’ can only be described as ‘Kiwi Blokes Heaven on Earth’. In 1996 Jim Hopkins’ book ‘Blokes and Sheds’ sold 60,000 copies. Only Berry Crump’s novels sold more copies and they were all about a rugged Kiwi male and his outdoor adventures!

Man Cave
Credit: Wikipedia

Sheila: a female (in some parts also known as a ‘handbrake’)

Swandri; a bush shirt worn until disintegrates. Then replaced with a new identical one.

Wuss; Weakling (see; Big Girls Blouse above).

Crump
Barry Crump who wrote about Kiwi Blokes as they were/are, Credit: Wikipedia

To be continued … (Contributions Welcome)!

Males
Kiwi Blokes in summer, Credit: Google

Author: Daniela

Reader, Writer, Mother, Freethinker, Habitual Day Dreamer, Blogger - Sharing Ideas, Poetry, Prose, and Conversations on the Lantern Post!

54 thoughts on “Guide to New Zealand Male Species (aka: Kiwi Blokes)”

  1. I have been watching “Top of the Lake”, and it seems my choices were Matt, the violent abusive nutter, that policeman, who seemed civilised enough if a bit up-tight, but was a violent, abusive nutter; Johnno, the best of a bad lot, the midwife’s son, who was bonkers, and lesbianism. From “Top of the Lake”, it looks like I made the right choice.

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    1. Hi Clare,

      Thank you for reading and commenting. As you probably know the ‘Guide’ is meant as a bit of a humorous take on New Zealand’s blokes -:)! In reality and for the most part; they are OK dudes if a bit rough around the edges -:)!

      ‘Top of the Lake’ was indeed set and filmed in NZ. I have been watching it too. The thing is … there are ‘violent, abusive nutters’ of assorted kind everywhere in the world. As they are the decent ones!

      All the Best,
      Daniela

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      1. Sadly you suppose correctly … how much would I love to come if I only can! But one day I will come back … even if it is the last thing I will do -:)!

        And I would vote for Budapest any day -:)!

        Daniela

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    1. Say no such thing my friend -:)! If you come back and read follow up post (coming up in few days) you will soon realize that your friend over here is relegated to rather permanent ‘single foreign female’ status due to not fitting ‘sheila’ mold!
      Thank you so much for walking under the Lantern -:)!
      Daniela (aka: ‘single foreign female’).

      Like

  2. Haha.. loved this post.. I friend of mine is from New Zealand and I am certain he fits into more than one of these categories.. I do admit though, love to hear him talk..That accent is va-va-voom!
    Fun to read/see your humorous side🙂
    Lynne

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  3. A fun and useful guide…even for those not in the main target group🙂 I have known a couple of men born and raised in NZ but I guess they were “intellectuals” as they had opted for international exposure…but I still recognized one or two things… Looking fwd to part II.

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    1. As a rules Kiwis (male and female) are great travelers! In their hearts of hearts they always remain Kiwis and that is a good thing too -:)!

      Many thanks for reading and commenting -:)!

      Daniela

      Like

  4. Nicely said Daniela, this is a truism for many though today one cap does not fit all. But we must ask why? Is it because our mothers never challenged their role as second class citizens although the ‘ladies lounge’ in the pub was more tasteful than the main bar where few respectable women dared to tread – aka our mothers?

    Such is the Kiwi inheritance along with an education system that still fails to educate our boys today. The ‘she’ll be right attitude is learned and breeds the mental numbness and complacency that irks those fems arriving here who want men to actually be able to hold an intelligent conversation and demonstrate competency as a human being socially and intimately.

    If it’s to stop, everyone must wake up and be compassionate as every problem has a cause……

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    1. Hi,

      I am so very glad to find your comment, even more than usual! Not only because it is thoughtful and true, but also because I really value your views on the topic. As it happened, I found your comment only few minutes after I published the second part of the ‘Guide’ … as you know it is meant as a light humor, but nevertheless it does provide ‘single foreign female’ views. I also think that the second part might provide some answers to questions you voiced -:)!

      Many thanks for reading and commenting,
      Daniela

      Like

  5. I would agree that moving there as a single woman would be daunting after reading this article! hahaha They sound like the cowboys in our parts, only the vocabulary is different! This was soooo funny. So have you thought about moving?

    Like

    1. My dear Marsha,

      I did not arrive as a single woman. I arrived as a pregnant woman newly married to my daughter’s father. Only it did not last long. After that life of a single parent took over … and after some 19 years I am still here -:)!

      I am glad it made you laugh!

      Many thanks for reading and commenting,
      Daniela

      Like

  6. That made me laugh a lot. I do know one or two NZ males. One who fits one who doesn’t but then I guess a third category could be appropriate for the not in NZ males! : )

    Like

    1. Hi,

      Thank you so much for visiting the Lantern and commenting! I am very glad that the post made you laugh as this was the idea -:)! And that is an interesting idea about the ‘third category’ – those who live outside NZ!

      Many thanks,
      Daniela

      Like

  7. Daniela, a delightfully humorous post. No doubt about the fact that NZ does not have a monopoly on such men. When I left the ‘states’, there was more than a share there. To be fair, some of the states have higher concentrations of such individuals. As for myself, I will have to take your word on NZ as I have no desire to leave la belle France. Bisons et calling, Léa

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      1. Daniela, the men in the nameless place… are all to similar to your post. However, some of the states seem to have more than there share.
        Thank you!
        Léa

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      1. Thanks again for the posts. They were delightful, but also a reminder of some of what I left behind… shall we say, elsewhere!

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  8. Yeah nah Not bad mate, few fuck ups through it though. “Get hard” means harden up ya bloody soft wowser and don’t be a bloody wimp, it has nothing to do with drinking at all. “Getting pissed” is the term your after.
    The two types of bloke you speak of is wrong though, bloody hell we aren’t all farmers. I used to be a farmer myself but it’s no bloody fun living in the middle of nowhere when those American tourist chicks come to town now is it!!🙂

    Like

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